As I’m writing this blog post, the very first one in my life, I’m watching the green forests and the shimmering blue lakes of my beloved home, Sweden far down below me. The distance grows, and the memories of these past two years keep flashing before my inner eye. The embezzlement of my father’s heritage by people he loved, and how I almost lost him to all the unnecessary medication he was given. That I had to become a warrior for his survival until one doctor finally listened to me. The burnout that scared the heck out of me not knowing what was wrong, and that forced me to quit my job. Then, to finish it off, losing what I felt was my last lifeline…the only thing that helped me keep my nose above the water. My partner, and best friend that I had shared my life with for ten years met a new best friend. It felt like life had assaulted me, beaten me down to the ground and then given me one last deadly kick in the stomach. I fell down into a deep black hole not being able to breathe or see any way out of there.
But eventually I realized that my pain was actually carrying a gift. Because as I lost what little strength I had left in me and gave up the struggle, I sank underneath the stormy surface down to the bottom and was amazed by the revelation of its beautiful calmness…
Down there was where I met myself. I could finally see clearly who I am. My past traumas came staring me right in the face, so I could get the chance to heal them. These experiences planted a seed that started growing inside me. This seed contained a desire to write about life and the pain we’re so scared of but that we all inevitably go through.
Why are we so afraid of pain? Instead of embracing it to learn and grow we do anything to escape from it. We start questioning Life, the Universe, God or whatever you want to name it. But imagine a little baby bird struggling to break through the hard egg shell. If you interfere and try to help it by cracking the shell, it will never have the strong wings it needs to fly and survive in this world. A child that learns how to walk falls many times and hurts itself. But it doesn’t stay on the ground paralyzed by fear. It gets up and try again and again until it has the strength and balance to move forward on its own.
I’ve been procrastinating and delaying my writing. Out of fear I’ve been trying to push down and cover up the seed planted inside me. But this feeling that I need to write has grown into an urge that I cannot ignore anymore. Yes, I feel naked, and it’s a bit scary because I have no idea how to do this. Who am I to do this? I’ve never written a book or a blog before!
But as I’m sitting here on my way down to France I’m finally letting go. I’m launching myself into cyberspace and out into the world without a parachute. Rather than listening to my ego, and all its reasons why I can’t do this, I choose to follow my intuition that says
” You’ll learn along the way! It’s time! You’re ready!”.
Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton