Stuck in a loop…

How challenging life can be sometimes, don’t you think? There are moments when we feel like nothing is going right and we’re wondering what the point is of it all. It can even get to the point where the pain is so unbearable that we don’t want to stick around anymore. We just want to give up and bail out.

A year ago something happened that made my body freeze. Literally! It triggered such strong feelings, and it was one of those moments where you go “Nooo…are you kidding me..? Is this really happening again..?!”

Yep! Again. Oh boy, was I in for a ride…

What I saw that day, would have had a strong impact on most people. But the extreme intensity of the feelings that were stirred up were also linked to earlier trauma inflicted to the younger version of me. It made me completely numb. So numb that I couldn’t even cry. I went into some kind of freeze mode for so many months! My inspiration and my creativity were gone, like someone had turned off the water tap. Dry like the desert…not even a drop. I thought recent events had helped me move past my traumas but this was apparently a big one that I still needed to work on.

At first I put pressure on myself thinking that I had to continue working, to write…to deliver. Because if we don’t deliver, then who are we…right? Sooo…no. I let go of that thought because my life is mine only, and we all have our unique life paths to walk. At that moment, instead of focusing outside of myself thinking of other people’s expectations, I had to go inside and work on what needed to be worked on. I figured that the most important job we have in life is the work on ourselves. So I decided to withdraw from the busy life out there, grab the bull by the horns and deal with all of it, once and for all. I did a lot of reflection (…and I mean A LOT!). I meditated a great deal and I also discovered the benefits of self hypnosis. Then one day in one of my meditations, something came up from my childhood that surprised me. In my mind as a child I had blamed myself for a terrible accident, and it didn’t make sense to my adult mind why I would do that. Yet it had always been there, lingering in my subconscious mind. I’ll get more into that in my next blog post. 🙂

The time I spent in hell (yes, that’s what it felt like at times) was like an exhausting, sweaty wrestling match with a huge grizzly bear that sometimes made me want to give up, lie down and say “Okay, have your way with me! I’m giving up, but please kill me fast.” 

So now I had dragged up old crap into the light to understand what was going on, which was a good thing. But I found myself stuck in a loop where, instead of letting it go I kept “eating” the same crap I had dragged up, over and over everyday. I was stuck in reverse, in a victim mode biting my own tail!

I am amazed that my family and friends still call me to show their love and support… They are all…still…there..! (love you all immensely :).

So.. After I started letting go, I could once again see that when something “bad” happens it doesn’t happen to us, it happens for us. It is hard work, but I believe it’s worth the effort. It’s like I have more distance now to the things in the past that once again had stirred up such strong emotions…and that, to me, means freedom and peace of mind.

I am learning that whatever happens I am fine and I am enough. We all are!

Writing these words is a manifestation of the water tap finally having opened up a bit and I’m thrilled! I have found my way out of this loop and slowly moving forward. Even if it’s going to be drop by drop!

What about yourself? Do you recognize this from your own life experiences? If you want to share your thoughts with me, write me an email. I would love to read about it!

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